The Power of Reflective Listening

Reflective Listening Builds Common Ground

I once heard an excellent quote that said:

“Most conflicts are simply an argument over the definition of words.”

I believe there is a lot of truth in that. One of the main reasons conflict resolution remains so difficult is that the parties involved often do not start from the same place. We assume others see or define the issue the same way we do. Thus, we proceed to launch into our arguments and positions without building a common understanding first.

Take for example the infamous dress illusion that went viral several years ago:

People were viciously debating over social media and internet forums, swearing up and down that the dress was either black and blue or gold and white. If you are not familiar with this, perhaps the thought that someone could see anything other than the color you see right now is baffling. While this optical illusion has since been explained, I think it illustrates perfectly the problem that often happens in conflict.

Like the dress, both sides see the issue at hand but don’t realize how their unique perception is influencing what they see. This perception can be built on several things including personality, culture, life experience, or even what mood we happen to be in at the time. However, we rarely question our assumptions or biases and then proceed to argue our position without realizing that we are speaking 2 different languages. We have not built a common language or set of expectations to work from. Thus, is it any wonder why we struggle so much to arrive at productive outcomes?

It’s for this reason that when working with individuals who are experiencing significant conflict, I always start by building off areas of agreement. Which facts do all sides agree on? What outcomes does everyone want? It is only then that we are fully equipped to approach areas of disagreement, resolve issues, and restore trust in the relationship. However, this is more easily said than done. So how can we effectively navigate through the murky waters of all the thoughts, emotions, and assumptions that come with conflict? There is one particular tool that I find stands above the rest.

What is Reflective Listening?

So as I alluded to earlier, we need to start difficult conversations by building a common understanding and shared goals amongst all parties. However in order to do this, it’s important that we ask good questions to uncover the underlying meaning and assumptions behind what each side is saying. This is where Reflective Listening is particularly powerful.

We could define reflective listening as the following:

A communication technique used to actively show that a person is listening, understanding, and processing information. It involves repeating what the other person has said, asking questions to gain clarity, and summarizing the conversation.

It’s also important to clarify that reflective listening is not the same as active listening. While there are areas of overlap, reflective listening is much more nuanced. This short video explains the difference between the 2 well. Active listening moves the listener from a passive position of simply hearing what is said, to building understanding by giving the speaker feedback and asking good questions to probe the underlying meaning. Reflective listening takes this a step further by reflecting back on the speaker's words and emotions.

So we could say that reflective listening is a form of active listening, but active listening is not always reflective. The reflection piece is important because this is where we have the greatest capacity to build understanding and common ground.

Reflection is particularly important because it is built into our biology. This is because of something called mirror neurons. These are a series of cells in the brain that fire when we observe an action being done by someone else, and when we perform the action ourselves. These neurons are crucial for helping us learn new skills, but also for building deep emotional connections with others. When we observe someone performing a similar action we have, it releases oxytocin in the brain, a hormone that plays a very important role in building trust and rapport. That is why reflecting the words we hear from others can be so effective for several leadership competencies including:

• Resolving conflict

• Building trust

• Negotiating

• Coaching

• Group facilitation

• Problem-Solving

So with that said here are a few helpful tools for improving your reflective listening skills.

Reflective Communication Tools

1. Summarizing

This is the first and most basic reflective listening skill. This is where you repeat back to the speaker what you understood about their message. In other words, you are outlining the message in your own words. This is beneficial because it gives the speaker a glimpse into how your brain is processing their words. So it’s a great tool for uncovering where the gaps in understanding are. However because you are summarizing from your perspective and words, it will not activate the mirror neurons of the other person. Thus you will not get the same kind of trust and rapport-building benefits as you would from the next tool.

2. Mirroring

Unlike summarizing, this is where you repeat the message back to the speaker using their exact words. As we have already covered, this is incredibly powerful for building trust and rapport. When we are mirroring we want to be careful not to insert any of our own words or interpretations into the conversation. An example could look like:

Coworker – “I’ve just been so overwhelmed these past few weeks with all the changes leadership is making.”

You – “I heard you say overwhelmed. Could you tell me more about that?”

Not only does this help the speaker feel understood, but it also helps them develop more self-awareness over their thoughts and actions which can be very valuable for coaching or development scenarios.

3. Use of Metaphor

This is a specific use of Mirroring where we pay careful attention to the other person’s use of metaphor. Metaphors are something we often gloss over in conversation and don’t realize just how much important information they carry. They are a gateway into the underlying values, motivations, and assumptions an individual may carry. Thus if we reflect them to the speaker and ask good questions, we can arrive a places in a conversation we would normally never be able to get to.

Years back I was on a discovery call with a client and we were exploring team-building solutions for their organization. I asked them a few questions about the problems they were experiencing. They couldn’t quite put their finger on it and they simply said that they wanted their team to be a more “united front.” I knew this was an important phrase I had to unpack more. When I asked them specifically about that phrase, I discovered that my first instinct about what to recommend was off and I was able to suggest a much better option for them. That’s the power of using metaphor effectively in a conversation.

A Better Form of Listening

The great thing about reflection is that it is a simple, but effective tool that will greatly increase the quality of your workplace interactions, especially as a leader. However, it requires that we show up fully present in our conversations, ready to be attentive and observant.

If you are looking to learn more about effective conflict resolution, you should check out an article I recently wrote on 5 Powerful Conflict Resolution Strategies. Also if you are looking to hone your skills as a leader and optimize the performance of your team, let’s talk more about the different solutions I offer. Go ahead and Book a Free Discovery Call with me to get the process started!